Finding the strength to embrace joy
I decided that I would post this photo as an insight into my grief journey. We had our beautiful nephew Ned's, 21st on the weekend and it was a themed AUSSIE ICONS. I went as Olivia Newton John. I felt a great sense of sadness days before the party as Franny's absence as well as our dear Da's was very evident. I know that they would want us to continue on and have fun. And to honor them in this way is what we proceeded to do but it's a tough one. I sat with these emotions, a combination of sadness, loneness, anxiety and joy.
Creating alone time, busy times and all that is in-between!! I cried, I laughs, I ate and walked, I had breakfast in bed, I drank champagne, I slept, I danced. I created a whirlwind of this combination and just let it be what it needed to be. I don't think there is any specific recipe for dealing with the layers of grief and how we 'should' be. I think there needs to be gentleness and a sense of just doing and being the best you can. And sometimes that is your former part of self and sometimes that is your grief stricken self. It comes and bowls you over at the least expected times, the tears start flowing, your chest is tight and the overwhelming sadness is so present. And then it leaves you. Leaving you tired, relieved with a sense of loss but also of folding back the layers, the rawness, the essence and fragility of what life can be about.
When we are presented with these occasion of Joy, it is hard not to feel guilty for finding Joy again, for laughing from the belly and not just a shallow laugh. But I do know that that is not what Franny would want us to do. She does not want us to be laden with the grief blanket for ever, she would want us to find the Joy if we can, to belly laugh and hold all the exciting precious moments in our hearts.
This photo I dedicate to Franny because I know she would of laughed and we would giggle like we did when we were younger dressing up in fun clothes! So Franny this one's for you, my darling. I know you were there in spirit and I know you would of loved my 80's dance moves!! I did extra for you!
Miss you.
Love Steph xx